On set

The last film set I was on before yesterday, was the set of Revelation Trail.  Then yesterday, I had been invited to document some of the filming for the 48 Hour Horror Film Festival in Seattle for my webseries, Neato Kino.  During the months between those two sets, I felt like I lost myself.

I always have moments in which I don't know where I belong.  Sometimes I'm uncomfortable in public and often, I have no idea what I'm doing in life.

But that always changes when I'm on set.  When I'm on set, I feel like I have purpose.  I know who I am when I am working on a film.  All shyness leaves me and I am comfortable on set.

Between films, I become anxious and panicked.  I lose a part of myself and I try to fill the hole inside me with all sorts of things, whether it be horseback riding, video games, sideshow, or random projects just to keep myself busy.  While I enjoy these things, none of them truly fix me.  Sometimes, I fall victim to more dangerous things to fix me, but nothing works.

And then it all changes when I'm on set.  Suddenly, I realize that's all I want to do.  Every time I'm on set, I fall in love with the process of making movies again and I realize

I belong with movies.

Why do I keep forgetting?  I've known that movies are where I belong since I was a kid and put into a dragon costume for my brother's friend's birthday party video, yet for some reason, I keep losing sight of my goals and dreams.

I'm not the best at screenwriting.  Nor am I the best at directing or the most knowledgeable about editing or cameras, but I am passionate.  Passion alone won't get me to the top of the filmmaking mountain, but it will help drive me to do what I want.

This is my declaration to stop getting sidetracked.  Whenever I begin to lose sight of what I want to do, I'm going to do something to reel myself back into the arms of film.

My focus at school is screenwriting.  I know I want to write and direct.  I'm going to stop torturing myself and do what I want.

Evil Dead (2013): The Film that Made Me Second Guess My Life

I'm normally wary of remakes, but something a friend of mine said within the past few months made me rethink my stance on remakes- specifically horror remakes.  It's great to know that horror is alive and well.  So I excitedly went to see the new Evil Dead (albeit, on Bargain Tuesday, and just before it left the theatre, but I'm broke and so busy that sometimes I even forget to work).

I was blown away.  When it comes to gore, I pretty much have an iron stomach.  I like to credit this to all the action and horror films I was not supposed to watch as a kid, but did anyway.  My current lack of squeamishness could probably also be paid tribute to the multitude of Real Life Torture Porn (AKA animal exploitation exposés) that I watch thanks to my interest in being vegan.

Actually, I'm not sure watching all of the animal exploitation exposés are really healthy either, but that's a post for a completely different time.

Anyway, despite my iron stomach, there were quite a few cringe-worthy scenes.  My inner 15-year-old boy (Yes, I do have one of those!) was cheering while my inner 5-year-old girl was crying for her stuffed pony.

I've been really bad about keeping up with all things horror lately because of my equestrian interests (having an obsessive personality kind of sucks because when I get interested in something, I lose all focus on everything else), but I read somewhere that they did not use any CGI for gore.  I have yet to do my research and confirm this, but if this is true, then I love the modern Evil Dead even more.

The art of gore is something that cannot be lost to computers... and it is wonderful when other filmmakers understand this.

So I'm obviously gushing over the film, and rightfully so, and I felt so inspired after the film that I began questioning my lack of involvement in the film industry as of late.  I have pretty much decided to put my film career temporarily on hold while I rebuild my equestrian career and because of this, I may be moving to Virginia or Oregon to do equestrian things full time.  But now I'm not so sure that's what I should be doing.

I love cinema.  I love making films.  I love writing about films.  This is why I call myself Kino...  film is so much a part of me that I CANNOT ignore it.

I have to remind myself that I can ride horses and make films at the same time and of all people, I should be the one to figure out how to make the two clashing careers work.

There are seven days in a week and 168 hours in a week.  I should be able to save a portion for film, a portion for horses, and a portion for writing.  Maybe I have to make my inner German come out and get very strict with myself about my time management.