On set

The last film set I was on before yesterday, was the set of Revelation Trail.  Then yesterday, I had been invited to document some of the filming for the 48 Hour Horror Film Festival in Seattle for my webseries, Neato Kino.  During the months between those two sets, I felt like I lost myself.

I always have moments in which I don't know where I belong.  Sometimes I'm uncomfortable in public and often, I have no idea what I'm doing in life.

But that always changes when I'm on set.  When I'm on set, I feel like I have purpose.  I know who I am when I am working on a film.  All shyness leaves me and I am comfortable on set.

Between films, I become anxious and panicked.  I lose a part of myself and I try to fill the hole inside me with all sorts of things, whether it be horseback riding, video games, sideshow, or random projects just to keep myself busy.  While I enjoy these things, none of them truly fix me.  Sometimes, I fall victim to more dangerous things to fix me, but nothing works.

And then it all changes when I'm on set.  Suddenly, I realize that's all I want to do.  Every time I'm on set, I fall in love with the process of making movies again and I realize

I belong with movies.

Why do I keep forgetting?  I've known that movies are where I belong since I was a kid and put into a dragon costume for my brother's friend's birthday party video, yet for some reason, I keep losing sight of my goals and dreams.

I'm not the best at screenwriting.  Nor am I the best at directing or the most knowledgeable about editing or cameras, but I am passionate.  Passion alone won't get me to the top of the filmmaking mountain, but it will help drive me to do what I want.

This is my declaration to stop getting sidetracked.  Whenever I begin to lose sight of what I want to do, I'm going to do something to reel myself back into the arms of film.

My focus at school is screenwriting.  I know I want to write and direct.  I'm going to stop torturing myself and do what I want.