Substitute teacher on trial for showing ABCs of Death to High School Students

Columbus Dispatch

The fact that someone is being put on trial for showing a Not Rated movie to minors and is under review for being a crime is a little absurd... but how does a teacher not realize until after five classes that the film is 1.) not in Spanish and 2.) filled with low brow sex and violence.

Personally, I don't care what kids watch. I understand parents and society do and I'm willing to cooperate within those rules. However, I don't understand how someone does not review a film they are putting on for kids when there are rules about showing things to children and then choose one called ABCS OF DEATH, which has 27 segments that all lead up to violent and absurd deaths. That is what the film is known for. Yes, there are Spanish language segments... but only two... but it's called ABCS OF DEATH! DEATH! Does that not ring bells?

So teachers are just allowed to put Netflix on and run out of the room now? The article states that she had her back to the screen and thought that the film was in Spanish, but after three segments in one class, you would hear that it's not in Spanish... I can't remember the film exactly because none of the shorts were actually any good, but wouldn't screaming and guts noises make you turn your head regardless of what language it's in?

Can we give this woman an award for Stupidity of the Year?

And fault the school board for incompetent substitute teachers? Wouldn't a substitute teacher that teaches SPANISH be awesome? What a brilliant idea!

I am raised by bats: a blog about fitting in

Most of my life was spent in the goth scene and with circuses, sideshows, and theater. I made great contacts in this circle of people and as I got to know the people in these communities (and believe me, a lot of them are difficult to get to know), I kind of felt like I belonged (more so with the performers than the audiences). Some time between touring with FreakShow Deluxe and wrecking my car in a tornado, I started feeling pressured to be "normal" and to do things the "normal" way. For example, getting a job with a corporation, working my way up the ladder, and then retiring when I'm 60.

This did not work for me, so I started working with horses again... something I hadn't done since I was a teenager. No matter how much I loved the horses and how much I wanted to reach the top level of riding, one thing grated my soul and kept crushing me regardless of how much I didn't want it to matter. I did not and do not fit in with horse people. From a polo player continuously asking me why I make myself look the way I do to uptight eventers snubbing me every time they saw me in the barn or accusing me of not taking proper care of their horse, it was plain obvious that I didn't fit in this world of polo shirts and ballerina buns.

However, for the first time in my life, I attempted to fit in. I cut off my mohawk. I dyed my hair black instead of pink. I even bought shirts with horses on them, and God forbid... A POLO SHIRT. I thought that my suicide attempt was the lowest point of my life... Apparently these moments that followed were the lowest.

I quit the barn that I was working at and shortly got a job at a doggie daycare. I didn't fit in there either. People stabbed me in the back and the management delayed my 90 day review so long that it was nearly 6 months when I finally got it... and when it was given to me, it was just a blank piece of paper with a line through the middle. I stopped trying to do a good job after that point. It didn't matter anymore.

But while I was working there, I was also doing the things that I wanted to do. I became more involved with the Seattle film community (when I was on the horse farm, I couldn't do anything except look at horses). I went to events and concerts and I started seeing glimpses of where I belonged.

After I quit the daycare, I attempted more corporate jobs. Naturally, I failed any interview I got because I am not a corporate person and I don't think I can even pretend that I am anymore. I focused on my school work, making films, and networking with some people that were kind of like my old life.

Then I went to see Voltaire. I used to go to his shows every time he came to town in Ohio (sometimes once a year), but I hadn't in a long time because of depression and all of the above garbage. Seeing Voltaire again, talking with him, being in the creative atmosphere of Voltaire, the Nasty Habits and Jeff Ferrell, reminded me of what I originally wanted from life and who I really am. It reminded me of where I belong.

I belong with artists and creative types-- and not really just ANY artists. I belong with subcultures. I belong in the underground. I belong where I can do what I want and not get crap for it... and I'm not going to pretend that I am a corporate video person or that I am anything other than myself.

So what if that means it makes me less desirable to major companies? That's not what I want to do with my life. I want to make films and enjoy myself. Life is way too fucking short to sell your soul to a corporation... even if it pays good money. I'd rather be happy and scraping by than forcing myself to fit in again. That's a fast track to another suicide attempt.

So many books to read, so little time

Actually, I have ample time now that I am technically unemployed and on Tuesday November, 25, I will have graduated my third attempt at college. I suppose it wasn't really my third attempt at college, considering I finished the first round (technically, twice as I have my associate's degree and a professional certificate). I only dropped out of one program and that was largely because I was getting absolutely nothing out of the school other than annoyed and depressed. So I suppose this is my second attempt at a bachelor's degree.

'Lo and behold! I am successful! I have finished all of my classes and am now waiting for my final grade. I am a "pending graduate" according to Full Sail's system. I am not only graduating, however. I am also the recipient of the Advanced Achievement Award on top of my two Course Director Awards.

Receiving the notification of the award was a bit uplifting as I have technically been homeless for half the time I have been in school. Full Sail's handbook describes the award by saying it is "usually indicative of a student most likely to succeed." If only everyone knew that I am actually fighting to succeed because I feel that I have no other choice. It's either succeed as being a writer/filmmaker and be able to support myself or not try at all and die in the icy cold streets while the uncaring corporate poseurs of Seattle turn up their noses.

That last statement brings me to my next topic. I am reading Bridget Jones' Diary. I am about halfway through and I have to say that this is the most uninteresting piece of drivel that I have ever read next to Pride and Prejudice. Are there women that are actually like this? How can someone be so focused on gaining the attention of men, criticize themselves for being that way, and then go right back to it? It is so shallow and epitomizes the stereotype of "chick lit." It embarrasses me as a reader, a writer, and a woman. The book itself does not bother me as much as the quotes on the cover that say, "Fielding has rummaged all too knowingly through the bedrooms, closets, hearts, and minds of women everywhere."

Who are these women? Do they actually relate to this? I don't think I know these women.

My question is this. Do I bother finishing it? Does it get better? I saw the movie when I was a teenager, but I cannot remember a single thing about it other than the fact that my brother caught me watching it and said, "Are you feeling okay?"

(On the flip side, however, Bridget Jones has a job where as I do not.)

Neato Kino rocks... again!

Neato Kino Films did it again! We participated in the 48 Hour Film Horror Project in October. For the most part, it was a pretty smooth weekend, yet again. I met with our trusted editor at LeftJet Studios for the kick off event. After the rules were presented, genres and elements were given. I pulled Found Footage out of the hat, but because we were shooting on a Red Epic, we opted to go for the Wild Card.

A found footage film would have been a waste of such a good camera. The Wild Card ended up being Cannibalism, which was not my favorite subject to work with because it's difficult to write a decent cannibalism film without comedy, but I could work with it.

The kick off was actually my wedding anniversary, so my husband and I decided that we would write the film together. We came up with a pretty solid concept and plot right away, so we left to get a few props. When we got back, we finished the script and sent it out to the cast and crew.

The next day, we were to begin shooting. Our location was a house mid-renovations, so we had to arrive early to move things out of the way and keep everything safe for the cast and crew. We didn't expect to have our camera until 10 AM, but it was there when we arrived at 8.

We moved things around and started preparing, but when it was about time to begin shooting, it was brought to my attention that no one brought sound equipment. It was a minor disaster that was quickly averted by one person driving home to get a microphone and a cable and another person pulling a Zoom recorder out of their car. Talk about super heroes... We were talking about reworking the script to make it a silent film!

After that hitch, the shoot went very smoothly. However, we were in a race against the sun as it was trying to leave us shooting in the dark. Our last scene had to be shot outside (and last), so we did the best we could. We didn't get as many shots as we needed or wanted, but it worked out. It also started to rain during the last scene. It didn't rain the rest of the day-- and we were shooting in a green house, so the rain was loud. We took what we had and then went straight into editing.

Storm, the editor, and I stayed up all night until we had a final cut of the video. We sent it off to our composer around 6 AM and then took a nap. While we waited for the music to come back, we slept briefly and worked on editing the rest of the sound. When the music arrived, we edited all of the audio even further to make it mesh.

About three hours before turn in, we felt like we were at a stopping point. After looking at it for so long with barely any fresh eyes, we had no idea what else to do. So we ate and then took the film to LeftJet. We hung out at Office Depot and then went back to LeftJet to wait until the doors opened. Naturally, we were the first to turn in.

A few weeks later after the initial screening, we received notification that we won an award. A few of us attended the awards screening, which was followed by The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and we discovered we won for Best Sound Design.

Talk about irony!

We didn't make a trailer this time around and the film is not yet public, but we will let you know when it is available. We are working on making it even better and sending it off to film festivals. Watch out world!

Neato Kino Films rocked the 48!

After about 10 years of wanting to do the 48 Hour Film Project, I finally did it.  I even got my film in on time!  My team consisted of people I had never met before and crazy enough, we all meshed well and worked great together.  There were a few hiccups during editing and we didn't end up with enough time to color correct, but I am still proud of this film.

I drew comedy, but you'd never know from the trailer.  I actually love how misleading it is.

We had NO issues during filming.  The worst thing that happened was someone knocked over a bottle of Dr Pepper.  I struggled with coming up with a story for awhile, but once I got going, I was finished in about 20 minutes.

During the final render.  Premiere hung here forever.

We made it half an hour before the deadline.

Here, I'm thinking, "Please give me horror."

The actors cooling off.

Storm edited while we shot and Emily refused to give up Frank.

The required prop.

We ordered three vegan pizzas.  Only two of us were vegan.  This was all that was left at the end of the shoot.

Render cat.

It was sunny and a brief shower complete with thunder from nowhere.

Wardrobe malfunction!

This is probably my favorite scene.

Screening this Thursday!

Newsy things!

First off, I self-published a short book of poetry.  It is called A Portrait of a Poison and can be purchased through Smashwords.  Most of the poetry is incredibly personal as I wrote a lot of it while depressed and suicidal.  The book itself has been a long time coming and I hope you enjoy it.  However, some of it may be triggering to those with mental health issues.

Secondly, I have been writing for the new horror lifestyle magazine, Living Dead Magazine.  I have been providing the content for the News of the Dead blog everyday.

Third, my 48 Hour Film Project film will be screening at SIFF Uptown in Seattle on Thursday August 7 at 9 PM.

That is all for now.  I hope you all are having a lovely summer.

Top 6 horror accounts to follow on twitter

I've been spending a lot of time on Twitter lately and I've been catching a lot of great horror accounts.  When I am going to follow someone, there are a few key things I look for:

1.) Does not solely post links or promote.
2.) Seems to have a human behind the account (someone with a personality!)
3.) Just... not annoying in any way shape or form.

The Horror Honeys
@horrorhoneys

The Horror Honeys are a group of hardcore females that run a blog and podcast all about horror.  The Twitter account is lead by the "Head Honey" and she can tweet up a storm occasionally, but it is all entertainment.  Her tweets have personality, are informative, and she talks back.

The Soska Twins
@twisted_twins

The "Twisted Twins" are the directors of the film, American Mary.  While it may be debated whether or not their films are actually horror, it cannot be denied that they certainly try to prove their nickname true.  They tweet some behind the scenes stuff from their filmmaking adventures, which means that if you are looking at your Twitter feed at work, you might want to just not do that if you're following them.  Today, I was scrolling through and saw a picture of a penis and balls wrapped up in something.  You have been warned.

Steve Barton
@UncleCreepy

Co-founder of DreadCentral.  He Tweets thoughts!  Yes, an actual person on Twitter!  He seems like a guy you can get into a good conversation with that isn't, "Jason Vorhees! Mneeeeer."  In other words, he seems like an intelligent being that happens to be a huge horror fan... and throws insults at people that you can't see.

Andy Deane
@Andy_Deane

Lead singer of the goth rock band, Bella Morte and horror author.  He's also a huge horror fanatic.  He tweets spooky photos and he's great to talk to... and a great guy in general.  He's doing the music for my 48 Hour Film Project this year and if all goes according to plan, every film I make thereafter!

Clive Barker
@RealCliveBarker

This would not be a very good list if it didn't have some well known horror entity.  The truth is, most of the well-known people just end up retweeting things that show their old work or themselves with a fan.  Clive Barker's Twitter Feed actually contains stuff... but if you go right now, you will mostly see exactly what I just mentioned because he just had a contest involving such things.  Does Clive Barker himself actually run the account?  I don't think so.

Tom Savini
@THETomSavini

Because it's Tom Savini.  That's why.

Fresh blood for Seattle 48 Hour Film Project

I'm participating in the Seattle 48 Hour Film Project this year and I'm intending to shake things up in the Seattle film community.

I could have joined someone else's team and easily been placed as a PA, but I want to write and direct.  That is what I've been going to school for and that is what I'm going to do.  So I started my own team.

While searching for potential crew and cast members, I was reminded of why I dropped out of film school.  I had a lot of experience and skill obtained from my associate's degree, but because I was at a new school where no one knew me, I was placed as a PA on a student film while other people in my class with less experience were placed as grips.

Despite the fact that I had so much film schooling before I went to this new school, I still had to go through all four years of production classes (including all of the basics, which I had a great foundation on), and that was just absurd.

Even later, trying to get onto anyone else's production, student film or not, people seemed to not want to take a chance on me.  Everyone thinks that "just being on the team" is good enough.  For me, it's not.  I want to do what I want to do and I won't be happy unless I'm doing just that.

I imagine that for everyone to have the best experience, they should be doing what they want to do.

So I have a few first timers on my team with decent positions because I don't want to be like everyone else in the film community that doesn't want to give new blood a chance.  Just because they aren't proven in the community does not mean they aren't proven elsewhere (school, the internet, whatever).  And as long as you have the drive and passion, I think you can accomplish anything.

So we're doing this.  And it's going to rock.

All the doubters and naysayers can think and say what they want, but Neato Kino Films is going to blow the pants off of Seattle.  They'll never see us coming.

Amazing is just persistence?

I've been on a Maggie Stiefvater kick ever since a friend on Goodreads recommended The Scorpio Races to me.  I just finished The Raven Boys and now I'm starting the Shiver trilogy because I pre-ordered Sinner, which is a stand alone companion to the trilogy.

She is one of the most inspiring authors for me that I've come across in a long time.

Seriously.  Watch this and tell me you don't feel that she's amazing.

That art?  Hers.  Music?  Hers.  Story?  Hers.

It's maddening.  It drives me crazy that I can't be this amazing...

And yet, my husband says that the only thing that separates me from those that I admire is their persistence to get things done.

So obviously, I'm just not doing enough.  Ever.

A note about high school and peer pressure.

I was eight when I began horseback riding.  I rode every weekend once or twice a week and it was one of the only things I did that made me feel whole.  I competed in shows and was not all that bad, but I never competed outside of the schooling shows at my barn because I didn’t have access to any other horses.  By the time I was 16, I was one of the oldest students at the riding school.   The girls in my class were at the very least, four years younger than me.  Everyone that I had grown up riding with graduated to their own horses and riding more competitively or just dropped out from the horse community all together.  I loved riding, but because of the age difference, I didn’t relate to the girls in my class and I didn’t make any friends at the barn.

I had a few friends in high school that I got along with and we were all into acting and theatre.  My friend Beth and her older friend, Ame, had this idea to go audition for the Ohio Renaissance Festival.  I thought it sounded fun, so I went along.  The casting directors gave me “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” as my audition piece and I improvised to the best of my ability by using the entire audition space as the cottage.  They really enjoyed my audition and I later found out that I was accepted to be a member of the cast.  I was incredibly excited.

However, there was a problem.  Rehearsals ran every weekend from the spring until summer and then the festival ran from summer until fall.  That was the entire season of horseback riding.  Not wanting to skip out on my lessons and shows, I decided against joining the cast.

One day, Beth came over to my house and we sat in my room.  We were writing a novel together and she pulled out the character development worksheets she was using at the Renaissance Festival for her character.

“We should use something like this to create our characters!” she said.

I thought it was a great idea.  She then told me all about the rehearsals and how much fun she was having.  She and Ame seemed to be getting even closer.  I was jealous.

That school year, my friends started drifting away because I was becoming more interested in goth and punk music.  I hung out with a different crowd because my other friends were busy with the Renaissance Festival.  I became really close with two girls, Ashley and Abby.  We didn’t have much in common other than our interest in music, but at that point in time, music felt like it tied everything together.

Abby smoked and had her license.  She drove me around town with the speakers booming Marilyn Manson and KoRn and introduced me to boys that dressed like Brandon Lee in The Crow.  We had a lot of fun and got into a lot of trouble together, but then a new word was introduced to our vocabulary.

Poseur.

Suddenly, everyone who wasn’t us was a poseur.

“His outfit is entirely from Hot Topic.  Poseur,” we would say.

“She doesn’t know who Peter Murphy or Bauhaus is.”

It just kept escalating from strangers to people we knew personally.  Eventually, we used it on each other.

Ashley had made a rainbow skirt for me to wear to a school dance and I refused to wear it.  She became furious with me and spread rumors about me calling all the girls in our circle poseurs.  She said I called Abby a poseur.

I sat in English class, reading over an assignment and then a note landed on my book.  It was two pages long, front and back… and it was a list about everything that made me a poseur.  At the very top of the list was, “You like horses.  You can’t be goth or punk because you like horses.”

Labels.  In high school, everyone has a label.  I never tried to fit in with a crowd, but I was labeled as a goth before I even knew what goth was.  I was stunned.  I didn’t know I was trying to be anything or anyone other than myself, but the girls around me started whispering and laughing at me.  They repeated the “poseur” word over and over.

I stood up, threw the note away, looked at my teacher, and then walked to the bathroom.  I spent the rest of class in the bathroom, crying.

For the rest of that year, I ate lunch alone and found solace in the internet.  I wrote about my problems in blogs and let the world comment on them.  I started cutting again and I didn’t care who knew about it.  Then spring was  around the corner.  Beth called me and I was so happy to hear her friendly voice.  She invited me to audition for the Renaissance Festival again.  I agreed.

Once again, I was accepted and this time I decided I would quit horseback riding.  The note did not entirely influence my decision, as I felt I was ready to move on from the riding school anyway, but the note was definitely in my mind.  During my last lesson, my mother was reading a book on the bleachers, occasionally lifting her eyes to make sure I was doing okay.

I watched my instructor raise the jumps.  She placed a blue barrel beneath one to distract the horse and then told me to go first.  I was chosen to be the example because I had just won a blue ribbon in the horse show the week before.  My mind had been wandering from the fact that it was my last lesson and I hadn’t even told my instructor yet to the note at school and my lack of friends.

The horse and I cantered to the jump.  I felt like my horse knew what to do as he and I had gotten along great for the past few years, so I just let him carry me.

Big mistake.  I stayed center, expecting lift off, but my horse darted to the right and I crashed to the ground.  I was told to stay still, but I got up anyway to do it again.  This time, I almost fell off again and my instructor moved on.

I was disappointed with myself, but I thought it didn’t matter because it was my last lesson.  I wouldn’t be coming back, so why bother trying again?  I got off my horse, untacked him, and went home to prepare for an entire summer of working at the Renaissance Festival.  I said, “I wanted to try something different.”

I didn’t ride again for nine years.  I am able to see how each action and decision fit into the next event and it is one of the only things that I’ve ever done that I regret.  I wish I never stopped riding just to have friends.  The current me wishes I could go back in time and tell me that I don’t even speak to those people anymore, that I am back to riding as an adult and it’s the most difficult thing to remember being good, but starting at the beginning again.

I want to use my experience to inspire kids and young adults to not fall victim to peer pressure.  I want them to be themselves and follow their dreams.  A lot of people put an emphasis on relationships and friendships in high school, but I discovered that those relationships don’t really matter.  Don’t quit doing what you love for other people.

Ten years ago, ten years later. You are my light.

Out of plain curiosity (and writer's block), I decided to look up what I was doing ten years ago to the day in my Livejournal.  I don't know if that makes me cool because I've been blogging for over ten years or if that makes my existence very sad.

Ten years ago, I was 17 and still trying to get my driver's license.  Driving stressed me out more than anything and my parents were not the most calm people to have in the car with me.  I believe I failed my driver's test three or four times and I had let my temps expire a few times as well.  Driving was not interesting to me and the pressure on me to drive was intense.  It was even worse because around this time ten years ago, my father was in a car accident that caused him to lose his license for awhile.

My father had decided to add more pressure onto my driving by saying, "We need you to get your license so you can drive me around."

I was in my senior year and failing my Government class because of lack of interest.  I honestly can't even tell you what was studied in Government class.  Naturally, I assume it had something to do with the US government and how it works or doesn't work.  I only remember two things from that class.  The first was when my teacher picked her nose during a morning study session before a test and rolled the booger between her fingers for the entire hour... and the second was when my teacher demonstrated how she walked downtown because she was afraid of getting mugged.

Instead of studying whatever was deemed important, I spent the class reading books about vampires.  I might not be able to tell you anything about hanging chads and whatever that had to do with one of our classes, but I can tell you just about everything you'd never wanted to know about Anne Rice's vampires and beyond.

Anyway, I was under the stress of driving, things going on with my family, and then I didn't care about school.  I knew that passing Government was important and I eventually brought my grade up, but I just did not care.  I felt like everything was going to shit... but in my journal, I acknowledged that I had Chris, my boyfriend (of one month at the time).  I said he represented hope in my life and I didn't know where I would be without him.

I predicted that I wouldn't get my license.  That I'd fail government and be writing depressing poetry and blog entries for the rest of my life (which at the time, I assumed would be very short).

Ten years later, I have had my license, but I no longer live in an area where it's necessary.  I passed Government (with what, I don't know)... I haven't written a poem in a long time.  Maybe I should change that.  I'm still writing blogs and in Livejournal, and I don't think I'll ever stop.

I also still have Chris.  Ten years later, we're married.  Today, as I was ten years ago to the day, I was feeling depressed.  This time for different reasons (such as living behind the couch on an air mattress in someone's living room, not working on any projects, not being an established anything, and presumably going to be in debt and a starving and struggling artist/writer for the rest of my life), but as I had before, I turned to Christopher.  He keeps me hopeful.

He keeps me alive.

Born to Write

School.

When I was a kid, the word just meant bullies, incompetent teachers, and many trips to the nurse's office to be sent home.  I feigned illness a lot just so I could get out of gym class or to avoid the bus ride home.  I was often terrified to go to school.  Kids would call me names and steal my stuff.  One kid actually stole my math textbook and coincidentally, I almost failed because I didn't have it.  What did my teacher do about it?  Nothing.

School was hell for me.

Then I reached high school.  Freshman year was okay, I got along with almost everyone, and my grades were decent, but I still wasn't that into it.  As the years went on, I skipped class to edit video, I'd read books during the boring classes, school assemblies, and even church.  I didn't stay home as often, but after awhile, I stopped getting along with everyone.  My friends and I started fighting and once again, I almost didn't graduate due to my lack of interest in my studies.  I did, however, pull it together near the end of senior year and scrape by.

I went straight to college for electronic media and animation.  I was incredibly excited about my media courses.  I had spent most of my free time growing up making videos and websites, so the classes came really easy to me.  I got mostly As and I tried really hard.  I received my Associate's and everything was dandy.  But I struggled with getting a job in the media field.  So after some experimentation with the circus arts, I decided to go back to school for film to receive my bachelor's.

I was initially thrilled to be going for strictly film, but the professors were not excited about the film industry anymore.  They all seemed old, jaded, and resentful toward their lack of involvement in the field.  It was depressing, and so I left.  I dabbled once again in the circus arts and figured that I did not really need school to teach me how to approach media people.  I made contacts all over through the internet, film people, television people, everyone.

People invited me onto their projects and things were looking up, but my career wasn't taking off as quickly as I would have liked and there just was not enough work in Cincinnati.  Paid or otherwise.  Once again, I decided to go back to school.  This time, to hone my craft of writing since my previous courses lacked any good writing courses.  I chose Full Sail University online, and while it is an expensive school, I have found that it is my favorite school.

Never before have I been so excited for my courses.  My lowest grade is an A.  I have even made some great friends through Facebook who also go online.  I've never had much school spirit, but I am proud to go to this school and I want to be even more involved.  School is no longer a place of hell for me.  Now it's a sanctuary.  I find solace in my homework much like I find solace in watching films or reading books.

It's strange, but I love it.  I keep getting asked how I'm so successful at school and I have not been able to come up with a direct answer until now.  The reason I am doing so well is because I love it.  I do procrastinate a little bit sometimes, but when I do my work, it gets my full attention.  Most of the time I am so excited about class that I start my homework as soon as I am given it and I spread it out through the week.  Part of it is time management, but the biggest reason I am doing so well is purely that I love what I am studying and I love my school.

My teachers have been great, the class materials are interesting, the online platform is compelling and I can work at my own pace.  Some people blame my success on the fact that my classes aren't that difficult because it's a "for profit school."  Some people even believe that I'm really just average and the school is just trying to boost my confidence by giving me good grades.

I don't know if any of that is true.  All I know is that I'm doing what I was born to do.

On set

The last film set I was on before yesterday, was the set of Revelation Trail.  Then yesterday, I had been invited to document some of the filming for the 48 Hour Horror Film Festival in Seattle for my webseries, Neato Kino.  During the months between those two sets, I felt like I lost myself.

I always have moments in which I don't know where I belong.  Sometimes I'm uncomfortable in public and often, I have no idea what I'm doing in life.

But that always changes when I'm on set.  When I'm on set, I feel like I have purpose.  I know who I am when I am working on a film.  All shyness leaves me and I am comfortable on set.

Between films, I become anxious and panicked.  I lose a part of myself and I try to fill the hole inside me with all sorts of things, whether it be horseback riding, video games, sideshow, or random projects just to keep myself busy.  While I enjoy these things, none of them truly fix me.  Sometimes, I fall victim to more dangerous things to fix me, but nothing works.

And then it all changes when I'm on set.  Suddenly, I realize that's all I want to do.  Every time I'm on set, I fall in love with the process of making movies again and I realize

I belong with movies.

Why do I keep forgetting?  I've known that movies are where I belong since I was a kid and put into a dragon costume for my brother's friend's birthday party video, yet for some reason, I keep losing sight of my goals and dreams.

I'm not the best at screenwriting.  Nor am I the best at directing or the most knowledgeable about editing or cameras, but I am passionate.  Passion alone won't get me to the top of the filmmaking mountain, but it will help drive me to do what I want.

This is my declaration to stop getting sidetracked.  Whenever I begin to lose sight of what I want to do, I'm going to do something to reel myself back into the arms of film.

My focus at school is screenwriting.  I know I want to write and direct.  I'm going to stop torturing myself and do what I want.

Film, it is.

With great disappointment and a heavy heart, I abruptly quit my job as a working student.  Things hadn't been working out for a few weeks and I was intending to put in my two weeks and be professional, but events occurred that made me unable to continue working and living there.  I am incredibly disappointed because I was ready to tackle my equestrian career, but after a lot of analyzation and introspection, I've realized that equestrianism is probably not the career path for me.  I still love riding and horses in general, but I am refocusing my energy back on film.

I am grateful that the job got me to the west coast.  I am in a place where I have alway wanted to be and the film opportunities are much greater out here than in Cincinnati.  The film community in Seattle seems to be pretty active and I look forward to becoming a part of it.

This blog will become less about horses and more about my film career and film in general.  There may be the occasional post about gaming.

Time to pour my blood, sweat, and tears into my art and not my attempt at being an athlete.

You're the best around! Nothing's going to ever keep you down.

I keep going back and forth on what I want to do with my life.  I really want to get to the Olympics for eventing in 2020, but I also really want to start on my media career.  Sometimes I think I'm wasting my time cleaning stalls and working in a barn, but I guess some time within the past two months of me doing so, I've completely forgotten that I AM working toward my Olympic goals.  I'm not going to be a working student forever and I AM going to school for my media career.  I'm NOT doing nothing like I so often feel I am.  I just feel like I'm getting nowhere.

Well, this is me kicking myself back into gear.

I haven't been riding everyday like I should be, so I'm going to start riding everyday again.  My not-horse-time is going to mainly be spent working on my schoolwork.

I'm going to stop letting myself get distracted.  I'm going to write down clear goals and stick to them.

I can do this.

Cue inspirational montage.

End All Be All

I will have officially been in Seattle for two months on August 6th.  I don't miss much about Cincinnati except for Skyline Chili (vegan, of course), HorrorHound, and my pets... and maybe only slightly my family, too.  I have been working very hard here and for the most part, I enjoy it.  However, I'm slowly coming back to the realization that horses are not my "end all be all."

Film is.

With that said, I don't plan on quitting horses or anything like that again.  I still want to compete at an upper level and maybe give lessons on the side while I'm between projects.  I love it here and I'm grateful that I finally found a job to get me to the West Coast (more specifically, the Pacific Northwest)... and I'm still not entirely sure where my decisions are taking me, but it certainly is interesting.

Sometimes, though, I just feel weird because I have all this education and experience for writing, making videos, and media and I feel like I'm wasting it.

So I've come up with a new plan for my life.  I'm going to try to work and live here on the farm until I graduate with my Bachelor's.  I might stay while I'm doing my Masters.  So that could take me from 2015 or 2016.

On my off days, I have to work on making my local film contacts in Seattle so I don't disappear.  I also need to continue working on short video projects for my Youtube and Vimeo pages.  This is all in addition to doing my homework!  I need to stay busy, stay creative, and stay functioning.

Here are some pictures from the awesome EMP Museum.

I'm really loving Seattle.  I just wish that I didn't feel so torn between horses and film all the time.  But I know now that I want to be an amateur equestrian while being a director/writer.  I can do it.  Other people do... right?  And if they don't, they aren't me.  I can do anything!

Right?

I owe it all to the polo club.

In five days, I leave for Seattle to try working at and living on an eventing farm.  I am very excited as this is what I've been wanting to do with my life and I owe it all to the polo club.  I am very grateful to have had polo in my life for the past year as the Cincinnati Polo Club really helped me get back into horses and find my true passions in life.  However, polo is not the equestrian sport for me as I've always been an odd person to play on a team and sports like that make me incredibly nervous.  However, in eventing, it's just the horse and me on the course- and that's the way I like it.

Before I met the polo club, I was a total mess.  I tried to kill myself and was undergoing therapy to try to snap me out of it, but nothing really helped until I met them.  In a strange roundabout way, I owe my life to the Cincinnati Polo Club and the great people within it.  They've all been incredibly supportive of me and really helped me get through a rough time in my life, whether they knew it or not.

I never flat out told them my story, but I never felt like I needed to.  They welcomed me with open arms regardless of how I dressed, what my previous job was, and what color my hair was.  I've never felt like I belonged anywhere or that I had true friends, but that all changed when I met the polo club.  I am sad to leave them behind, but I am incredibly excited to start this new chapter in my life that they have helped create.  I will never forget them and what they have done for me.

They will always be my friends and my family.

Evil Dead (2013): The Film that Made Me Second Guess My Life

I'm normally wary of remakes, but something a friend of mine said within the past few months made me rethink my stance on remakes- specifically horror remakes.  It's great to know that horror is alive and well.  So I excitedly went to see the new Evil Dead (albeit, on Bargain Tuesday, and just before it left the theatre, but I'm broke and so busy that sometimes I even forget to work).

I was blown away.  When it comes to gore, I pretty much have an iron stomach.  I like to credit this to all the action and horror films I was not supposed to watch as a kid, but did anyway.  My current lack of squeamishness could probably also be paid tribute to the multitude of Real Life Torture Porn (AKA animal exploitation exposés) that I watch thanks to my interest in being vegan.

Actually, I'm not sure watching all of the animal exploitation exposés are really healthy either, but that's a post for a completely different time.

Anyway, despite my iron stomach, there were quite a few cringe-worthy scenes.  My inner 15-year-old boy (Yes, I do have one of those!) was cheering while my inner 5-year-old girl was crying for her stuffed pony.

I've been really bad about keeping up with all things horror lately because of my equestrian interests (having an obsessive personality kind of sucks because when I get interested in something, I lose all focus on everything else), but I read somewhere that they did not use any CGI for gore.  I have yet to do my research and confirm this, but if this is true, then I love the modern Evil Dead even more.

The art of gore is something that cannot be lost to computers... and it is wonderful when other filmmakers understand this.

So I'm obviously gushing over the film, and rightfully so, and I felt so inspired after the film that I began questioning my lack of involvement in the film industry as of late.  I have pretty much decided to put my film career temporarily on hold while I rebuild my equestrian career and because of this, I may be moving to Virginia or Oregon to do equestrian things full time.  But now I'm not so sure that's what I should be doing.

I love cinema.  I love making films.  I love writing about films.  This is why I call myself Kino...  film is so much a part of me that I CANNOT ignore it.

I have to remind myself that I can ride horses and make films at the same time and of all people, I should be the one to figure out how to make the two clashing careers work.

There are seven days in a week and 168 hours in a week.  I should be able to save a portion for film, a portion for horses, and a portion for writing.  Maybe I have to make my inner German come out and get very strict with myself about my time management.

Adventures in Eventing

I've had an exciting week!  I should really update more, but I struggle with ideas to write about.  Today is a day where I'm just going to blab and you're going to read what I say because you're bored.

First of all, last Thursday I had my fourth eventing lesson.  I jumped a little over a foot after doing this wicked exercise about straightness.  After I successfully did it, I felt amazing.  I am so glad I found what I want to do and my instructor seems to be impressed with me.  I'm impressed with myself!

I absolutely love my eventing lessons and how amazing my instructor makes me feel.  She's so positive.

Since I've decided that eventing is what I definitely want to do and I want to make a career out of it, I found a working student position in Virginia for an upper level eventer that occasionally takes lessons with Olympic riders.  The position could end up in a paid position, which I'm really interested in.  I've pretty much decided that if she offers it to me, I'll take it.  We're still in the interview process, but I'm crossing my fingers that everything will check out okay.  She seems to be interested in me!

Saturday, my husband and I went to see the cross country day at The Rolex Kentucky 3-Day Event.

Here is a picture I took of Boyd Martin and Trading Aces.

Me with Phillip Dutton after he signed my Modern Eventing book!

Stay tuned for a book review of Bittersweet Farms 1: Mounted!